The Inconsolable Grump

I'm Steamed, And jazzed.

2011-03-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

I got some STUFF going on and I'm steamed! I also got some stuff going on and I'm jazzed. Stoked and smoked. Which wins out?

Someone reminded me today why I hate Billy Crystal (see older post).

It is St. Patrick's Day and I don't give a rat's patootey.

10 Things That Increase Grumpiness

2010-10-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

1. Hot weather
2. Alarm clocks
3. Election years
4. Yankee losses
5. Red Sox wins
6. Constipation
7. RomComs
9. Speed bumps
10. People in general

The Grump Wakes Up

2010-02-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted since 2008 because I've been a bit tired and needed some rest. Sometimes you just have to stay in bed and avoid all the aggravation out there. Time to wake up and get active again.

Let's see... what's annoying me now?

Halloween Time!

2008-10-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Halloween was always one of my most favorite times of the year! The seasons are starting to change, school would have been in session for just over a month and it was the first fun "holiday" to roll around. Plus, back in the 1960's, you were able to wander all over town collecting candy until your bag was overflowing. Nowadays, seems like parents only take their kids to relative's houses or to planned Halloween gatherings. We're lucky if we get 10 kids in our part of Southern California.

So what's there to be grumpy about? Well, there's always something.

Why don't they make great costumes like Ben Cooper used to? These were the greatest. Even when they were made out of flammable materials!

I had a 1960's version of this Frankenstein costume. It wasn't the rubbery-looking non-flammable type like this one. It could go up at the flick of a match! A real man's man costume!

Toon of the Day

2008-10-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

Another one of my ToonDoo creations. Whoop-tee-doo.

The Swedish Maze

2008-07-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Went to IKEA this weekend and realized that although I thought someone at work told me it was "amazing there", what they were really saying was "it's a maze in there".

We bought a new couch and a cabinet on the third floor and then had to proceed to the checkout with the paperwork. One hour to pick out what we wanted and two hours to find our way out of the store. Unbelievable! You need a portable GPS to get out of that place in less than an hour.

The couch and cabinet have to be delivered, so when the delivery guys come, I'm going to have them go around to the back of the house - in through the washroom - through the kitchen - through the dining room - across the hallway and into the living room.

Grumpy Opinions - $20 Each

2008-07-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

Some weeks ago I received one of those annoying , weekend telemarketer calls that I'd normally hang up on. I'm not sure why we even have a "land line" anymore since the only calls that come in on the home phone are from telemarketers (despite the fact we're on the "Do Not Call" list). Anyway, this one said "Gallup Poll" on the caller ID and so, thinking my opinion may really count for once, I answered.

Caller: "Would you like to take part in a survey? It will take about 20 minutes. We'll send you $10 for participating."

Me: "A survey regarding what?"

Caller: "Beer."

Me: "Sure!"

20 minutes of "on a scale of 1 - 5, 5 being best..." later, we were done and sure enough about a week later I received a manilla envelope with a crisp $10 bill and a letter asking me to go to a website and answer some questions. I went there - and it was the same series of questions!

About 2 more weeks later, I received another manilla envelop from Gallup with another crisp $10 bill in it and a 10 page survey ON THE SAME SUBJECT! Feeling like I owed it to them, I dilligently started filling it out. Five pages and 30 minutes into the paper survey, my grumpiness level began to go off the charts, so I quit.

But thanks for the $20 bucks Gallup! Keep the money coming!

Beware of Dog!

2008-07-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted anything, but I've received legal advice that I probably should make it known to the general public that we have a new dog at home and that everyone is NOW OFFICIALLY FOREWARNED that he is a vicious killer and, therefore, you ought not step foot on our property without permission.

CONSIDER YOURSELF SUFFICIENTLY AND OFFICIALLY WARNED!

Ziggy

March Madness as a Sport

2008-03-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

First off, let me say that I don't watch basketball. Not the pros. Not college. Not high school. Not YMCA youth basketball. I'm just not into "hoops". Period.

But I love March Madness.

Filling out the tournament brackets. Tracking how many wins you got, how many points you've accumulated. That's the sport to me.

I track it all the way through on Yahoo. We talk about it at work. Joke about wacky picks. How it might turn out if this happens or that happens. Who's put in their $5 and who's a deadbeat that has to be tracked down. Who filled out an entire bracket except for the champion!? Duh! It's all good fun!

Sure I'll watch the Final Four games (maybe), but that's just to see if my bracket picks advance. I couldn't care less about who actually gets to cut down the net at the end and I won't watch another basketball game until next year's March Madness.

The NCAA really hit on a successful formula with March Madness and it's become a sport unto itself.

Now if only the NHL could figure out how to do that.

Amusing Ourselves to Death

2008-03-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Time for another instant 15 minutes of fame (for all the wrong reasons).

Neil Postman wrote a short, concise book about how technology changes public discourse and the way we communicate and perceive things called "Amusing Ourselves To Death".

Musician Roger Waters (of Pink Floyd fame) recorded a terrific album called "Amused To Death" which incorporated Postman's ideas.

I read the NY Post online the yesterday and saw that the Governor of New York resigned after being caught utilizing the services of high priced call girls (translation: prostitutes).

"What is the heart life of a colour TV? What is the shelf life of a teenage queen?"

I saw on the television news last night that one of the "call girls", a 22-year-old aspiring singer from New Jersey was identified. (No need to name her here, she'll be famous enough soon.)

"News hound sniffs the air, When Jessica Hahn goes down"

The news hound on my local station told me that this gal had a MySpace page and proceeded to show the girls MySpace photos.

No exageration here. The very first thought that went through my mind was, "I wonder if she'll get a million bucks from Playboy or Penthouse?"

"And the children of MelroseStrut their stuff. Is absolute zero cold enough? And out in the valley warm and clean. The little ones sit by their TV screens. No thoughts to think. No tears to cry. All sucked dry. Down to the very last breath. Bartender what is wrong with me? Why am I so out of breath? The captain said excuse me ma'am... This species has amused itself to death."

I expect at least temporary fame and fortune for the former hooker very shortly. Look for her to be mobbed by paparazzi while out for a night of club hopping with Paris or Brittney.

To drive home Postman's theories a bit, figure this: there was another well-known former prostitute. Her name was Mary Magdalene. Millions came to know that name over centuries through oral history, then print (starting with Guttenberg's Bible), then radio (evangelist broadcasts), then movies (the silent King of Kings), then television (ah, the History channel) and of course the Internet now (where you'll probably find hundreds of weird theories about her).

Today, it's instant fame. Millions have come to know this new former prostitute's name in a day.

"We did as we were told.
We bought and sold.
It was the greatest show on earth!
But then it was over.
We ohhed and aahed.
We drove our racing cars.
We ate our last few jars of caviar.
And somewhere out there in the stars
A keen-eyed look-out
Spied a flickering light
Our last hurrah
And when they found our shadows
Grouped around the TV sets
They ran down every lead
They repeated every test
They checked out all the data on their lists
And then the alien anthropologists
Admitted they were still perplexed
But on eliminating every other reason
For our sad demise
They logged the only explanation left
This species has amused itself to death
No tears to cry no feelings left
This species has amused itself to death"

And now, I'm part of the problem. Sending my opinions into cyberspace.

I'm getting grumpier by the minute.

Chant And Be Happy

2008-03-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

I found a book once at a Grateful Dead show at Irvine Meadows. Found it on the hood of my van after the show. It was called "Chant and Be Happy". I wound up keeping it at work and, if someone was having a bad day, I'd say, "Come. Sit down. I think I have just the cure."

You too can have the cure:

http://www.thekrishnastore.com/Detail.bok?no=568&bar=_shp_bbt

And if you're more of the audiophile type - there's this:

http://www.amazon.com/Chant-be-Happy-George-Harrison/dp/B00000JICS

And if you don't want to buy anything, but still need chant therapy:

http://www.chantandbehappy.com/

What have you got to lose? I'm feeling less grumpy already.

Billy Crystal Is Pissing Me Off

2008-03-11T16:41:00.000-07:00

I'm really pissed today. Seems that my beloved Yankees are signing 60-year-old comedian Billy Crystal to a one-day contract so he can play in an actual Spring Training game and that pisses me off to no end.

Why am I so pissed?

I'll tell you why: because Billy Crystal, who pretends to be a die-hard yankee fan and who produced the movie *61 (about the 1961 Yanks and the Maris/Mantle home run race), thinks nothing of jumping ship and proclaiming himself a Mets fan, when they're winning.

And if you know anything about real die-hard Yankee or Met fans, you know that you'd prefer death or prison over switching teams at any time in your life! I'd just as soon cut my head off than wear a Mets cap.

Want proof? Just check the photo on the left from Crystal's 1991 movie City Slickers. Notice that he's smiling and laughing and riding that pony wearing a Mets cap. Oh! What a happy, jolly Metsie fan!

I still recall to this day, seeing him during the 1986 World Series wearing Mets gear, professing his love for the team. It was bad enough that the Mets were playing the Red Sox! During that World Series match-up, someone asked me who I was rooting for and I said, "I'm rooting for a plane from LaGuardia to crash onto the field while both teams are standing on it for the National Anthem."

The Yankees didn't return to World Domination until 1995. If you look at their records from 1986 on, you can pin-point the timeline of Crystal's Mets love affair. Only, after the Mets started going down the toilet and the Yankees turned it around did he switch hats again.

NY Yankees

Year Record Finish

1986 90-72 (.556) 2 Crystal proclaims his undying love for Mets during World Series.

1987 89-73 (.549) 4

1988 85-76 (.528) 5

1989 74-87 (.460) 5

1990 67-95 (.414) 7

1991 71-91 (.438) 5 Crystal joyfully wears Mets cap in major motion picture.

1992 76-86 (.469) 4

1993 88-74 (.543) 2

1994 70-43 (.619) 1

1995 79-65 (.549) 2 (Wild card) Crystal suddenly likes pinstripes again.

Now, at the age of 60, he's going to play in with the real Yankees? I realize his career is essentially dead, but give me a break. To me, he'll always be a Met fan.

Did I say I was pissed?

Just Checking In

2008-02-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

I've been in a fairly good mood lately, which is disturbing in a sense. It's supposed to rain again this weekend, so that's a good thing.

My wife is away this week and so I figured I could take advantage of that situation and watch ONLY what I wanted to watch this week. No "You've Got Mail", no Lifetime channel with the nightly "men are evil" themed movie, no "It's 9:00, I want to watch something, give me the remote."

So what do i wind up watching last night? The Good, The bad & The Ugly? Nope. The Marx Brothers? Nope. King Kong vs Godzilla? Nope.

No. I waste an evening of television freedom on American Idol and - some movie on Lifetime where a teenage prostitute is killed by - you guessed it - her evil pimp boyfriend!

I am pathetic.

There. That's better. My mood's gone south again.

Here's your grumpy comic of the day:

Friday Stuff: I told ya so.

2008-02-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday I mentioned that PETA would be all over Pedro Martinez for showing up at that cockfight in the Dominican Republic. Sure enough,PETA issued this letter to Pedro c/o the New York Mets. It includes this invitation to take the Michael Vick sensitivity training.

"In light of this, PETA is calling on you to publicly apologize to your fans for participating in such a cruel and barbaric activity. We would like to invite you to take part in our Developing Empathy for Animals training seminar, which Michael Vick voluntarily attended after he was charged with dogfighting."

You can find the full letter here:
http://blog.peta.org/archives/Letter_to_Pedro_Martinez.pdf

A former employee of the Mets was also quoted as saying, "This explains the dead pigeons we kept finding in the clubhouse."

Still, the Martinez broo-ha-ha wasn't enough to knock the Clemens steroid issue off the Post's back page.

Seems that PETA was busy elsewhere in NY as well.

New York Post - PETA and Donna Karan:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/02082008/gossip/pagesix/peta_invades_karans_home_711602.htm

All of this is quite tame compared to the story I'll be breaking here. Apparently, while taking a short break after the initial contestant selections for American Idol, judge Simon Cowell headed to Canada to participate in a whale hunt. Pictures will be posted tomorrow.

Here's your grumpy comic for the day:

Super Bowl, etc.

2008-02-07T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big Giants fan, in fact I root for the pathetic Cincinnatti Bengals, but Sunday's Super Bowl victory was one of the sweetest thing I've seen in sports. How awesome was it that "The Fates" allowed the Patriots to win EVERY game EXCEPT the one that COUNTS! Sweeeet!

Back to the Bungals and another reason I'm Grumpy - the problem is that, originally the Bengals had the cheapest owner in the league (Paul Brown), but he was a football genius. Now, all they have is the cheapest owner in the league (Mike Brown), who is NOT a football genius.

I wore my Bengals shirt on Super Bowl Sunday and several people said - "Hey. They're not playing." No kidding.

Other thoughts:

Roger Clemens - keep on denying it. Unless they have test results, no amount of physical evidence provided by you weasly-ex-friend can prove you took steroids.

Pedro Martinez - uh... legal or not in your homeland, dontcha think folks back in the backwards old USA might think differently about cockfighting? Dude, we have organizations that tell kids that their fishermen dads are killers:

Children will read: “Imagine that a man dangles a piece of candy in front of you. ... As you grab the candy, a huge metal hook stabs through your hand and you’re ripped off the ground. You fight to get away, but it doesn’t do any good... That would be an awful trick to play on someone, wouldn’t it? http://www.fishinghurts.com/feat-newcomic.asp

10 Random Things That Annoy Me

2008-01-16T15:47:00.000-08:00

Here's 10 things that annoy me. In no particular order, really.

1. Grainy breads that have seeds, oats or any of that crap on it.
2. Text messaging of any kind.
3. Photos people take of themselves by holding the camera out with one hand.
4. Apple vs PC commercials.
5. Talking heads on cable news stations - whether they be liberal or conservative.
6. Ballot propositions. (Vote NO on everything)
7. When people write the word LOOSE when they mean LOSE.
8. Waking up 5 minutes before the alarm is set to go off in the morning.
9. Adam Sandler.
10. Random lists.

Here's your dose of Grumpy humor for the day.

Monday Funnies

2008-01-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

How'd your Monday go? Here's your daily dose of Mr. Grumpy humor. Especially funny to you musicians out there.

The Grumpy Cartoonist

2008-01-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

I found a fun website (http://www.toondoo.com) where you can make your own cartoons. There a million variations you can make, plus import your own graphics. There's really just a few gems to be found amongst a lot of lame humor (no age limits here), but it's fun to play with. I'll be displaying my amazing cartooning talents here often. Enjoy!

The Inconsolable Grump Comics

2008-01-11T10:54:00.000-08:00